Gardner's Journal: Taking a breath

It's still very cool -- too cool for my liking. Once the sun goes down a distinct chill fills the air.

Most of my plans for spring have come to fruition, although there is still work to be done on the new pond. Nathan has promised me that he will build a bridge between the two, uniting them into one. He is so good with his hands and has a great "vision" for things. He is considering going into architecture when he attends college, which I believe will be a good fit for him.

It's time now to take a quick breather, rest a bit and see what kind of maintainance is in store until fall planting. Now is the time to enjoy the work that was done in the rainy cool days of spring.

I noticed yesterday that "new dawn" my huge climber of the arch into the perennial garden is starting to pop with color. And that more and more of the roses are coming alive...some for the first time since they were planted a year ago. It's truly a moment to -- do I dare say it -- "stop and smell the roses.."

And as with the garden so it is with me...kids get out of school in a few days, we're finishing up the last bit of remodel upstairs on the kids bathrooms (finally -- I'll post b and a pics later...amazing work that one!) and I'm winding down a good year, getting ready for a new one.

One the surface it may seem that things are prodding along in a normal fashion, but there is nothing normal going on here.

In reality, Dan and I are restructuring our lives almost completely -- and yes, we are staying abreast of that thing called the "mid life transition"...in almost every area of our lives, there are significant changes -- job, family, church, relationships.

This is where we're suppose to collapse and he take off with a hottie and I hit the road with my writing, living a nomad's life. And I'm sure if we were honest with ourselves and each other we would both admit to some doubts about moving on together. We're so different, we're so opposite, we're so -- at times -- unsuited for one another.

But there's something about this time of life -- a sweet reality that hits you...that has hit me, anyway...that there is just too much invested in one's self, in one's relationship to move on. But its much more than that, too.

There is an anchor that pulls you back, that current that holds you to the one you love despite the stupid arguments and the understanding that your childhood dreams of romance are probably best left in the hands of fairy tales. It is the anchor, I believe, of real love...of a love that cannot be diminished or defined. It's a smooth rocking, a subtle lullaby of life that holds you together.

One of the joys of knowing my husband Dan is his understanding that love isn't control or ownership. He and I understood early on that to survive this thing -- and each other --- we had to, as the song says, "hold on loosely...but don't let go.." Pretty good advice from a rock band, I've found.

We don't do the same things together...we have varied and different interests. He doesn't deman that I watch all of the March Madness series and I don't make him read literary books. He is happy carting kids to every tournament and sports series known to man while he understands that I can't always keep score right.

He lets me have the vision of the remodel but he firmly takes the paint brush out of my hand. He knows it it just cleaner that way -- and he's right.

I think love isn't so much about finding the perfect person. I think it is a lot about adapting to the nuances of being with someone, finding out what they can do and do well and let them do it.

It's not about competition. Or winning. Unless BOTH win...that's really the only way to "do" love.

I'd like to say that our 20 year marriage has been without a lot of fan fare...that we've always agreed, never argued. That, indeed, would be a fairytale.

The truth is we've butted heads more times than I can recall. We've had a lot of doubts, we've often talked about what would happen if we didn't make it around this next time.

And we've looked at the reality of not living together and found that to be a rather futile endeavor. In practical terms, we're both too cheap to split up. And we're a bit lazy, too...a lot of energy going into drawing up papers, getting involved with attorneys.

Am I convinced that he's the only one for me and I for him?. Not a chance.

But I am convinced that the only real love that we have a chance at is the one where you look at the other one with open eyes and say, "I'm staying. For good."

Let me hasten to add that this relationship hasn't been filled with violence or abuse -- for if it had it would be a different story. I've seen that up close and personal and know that sticking around for that ending isn't a good storyline.

I thnk more and more love is not about some romantic view of someone else. It's looking clearly at the foibles and mistakes of yourself and your partner and not drawing up divorce papers but drawing them closer. It's letting go of the dream of perfection and embracing what we are -- human, broken and real.

I think, in my own experience, it's as much a part of accepting oneself and it is the other person. In fact, I think being "in love" is really about seeing yourself in someone and being in "love" with THAT...it has nothing to do, really, with the other person..just your own reflection looking back at you.

In mid-life, that reflection looks a bit more wrinkled, a bit slower, and perhaps a bit heavier. And it is being able to see that part of yourself in another and accepting it.

But what do I know? I'm still a novice at this marriage thing -- only 20 years. Who knows what I will learn in the next 20? I hope much more.