(Author's note: This kind of list is only undertaken by the very brave or the very stupid or by those who have been up all night working deadlines and feeling a little fuzzy-headed due to too much caffeine and too much chocolate. There are no "parenting experts" and those that claim to be experts in the field of parenting have probably never had a colicky baby or a rebellious teenager. Nonetheless, I believe that all parents have a responsibility to share what they do know with the idea that better parents make a better world. With the idea that parenting is more mystery than fact, more art than science, I reserve the right to change my list as new "opportunities" present themselves.")
My Parent Top 10 - December, 2006
1 - Say "yes" as much as possible. Saying yes does not mean no limits. You can say, "Yes, you can have a cookie AFTER you eat your dinner." or "Yes, you can play with your friend AFTER you clean your room."
2 - Hold on loosely but don't let go. Sure, it's a rock song, but it really works in most relationships especially parenting. The goal of parenting is to make dependent people independent in every way: socially, financially, spiritually, emotionally. I like to think of parenting like a sledding slope. The first 5 years you are getting the gear out to do the gig. The next 5 years is the trek up the mountain, the next 5 is the trek down where it is all about just guiding and enjoying the ride and recovering from any wipe outs. The next 5 years is sharing the excitement over a cup of cocoa.
3 - Know the difference in covenant and contract. A covenant is an agreement based upon one person whereas a contract is an agreement based upon two people. Parenting is a covenant in the sense that love is there for children at no cost, expense or effort on their part. My children cannot earn my love, it is mine to give. There are things in the relationship, though, that need contractual agreements, not necessarily in the legal sense but in the agreement sense. "When you finish your homework, we'll go to the movie." and the like.
4 - My children are not "mine". I'm grateful I was a part of the process of creating my children but they are not mine. I do not own them and in fact, the role I have is to provide them the opportunity for them to be the "boss of themselves". They are a gift that I have been allowed to share for about 18 years.
5 - My children are not to carry on my dreams. - I want my kids to have their own dreams, not be burdened with unmet dreams of my life. That means that when they are on the playing field of life -- either metaphorically or physcially - my role is to cheer on my kid and their team. My kids are not there to struggle under my past no matter how glorious or pathetic.
6 - Speak truth into theier lives whenever possible - Parenting is like a great "reveal" where you can literally speak what can be into their lives whenever possible. Sometimes it may sound like a fiction story when you day, "I know you can accomplish _____ goal!" And sometimes it may be the impossible dream. The goal of dreaming is to create a new reality that can be accomplished simply by seeing possibilities over obstacles, the good in the bad, the possible in the impossible.
7 - Be a screw up - I believe that kids need guidance, not perfection. In fact, I believe the role of parenting is to create completion not perfection. Parenting, by divine design, is as much about parents formation as it is the kids. This humble approach to parenting is transformative in that parents will learn as much about themselves and the world through the process of good parenting as the kids will.
8 - Companion to #7 - Say "I'm sorry" quickly - I have no problem saying "I blew it!" to my kids when appropriate and the sad fact is, I blow it everyday. I don't have all the answers on any subject which is good because what my kids need to know is that I care and that I can listen and that together we can face the day.
9 - Have a partner - Whether married or not, parents need support. I am grateful for my husband of 21 years who is gifted in ways that I cannot ever be. There are days when I call and say, "Your kid needs you today." which is a way to say, "you're gifted in this area -- I am not." Especially as our kids have grown up I have been amazed at how my husband can untangle a knot with our kids. And there are times when my style of parenting is best suited to a given situation. This is not a competition but a team goal.
10 - Pray a lot - I believe that kids are part of a divine design with a creator that knows everything they need before they ever take a first breath. In fact that is my prayer in the murky days of parenting, "YOU know what they need, help them in spite of me."
This is a good time to say "you're the best" to a couple of people who make my world shine, my kids, Nathan (18) and Ellen (16) who are better people most days than I'll ever be. Thank you for the gifts you give me this season and everyday. Why God gave you to me is the testimony that He has a terrific sense of humor and endless grace.
My Parent Top 10 - December, 2006
1 - Say "yes" as much as possible. Saying yes does not mean no limits. You can say, "Yes, you can have a cookie AFTER you eat your dinner." or "Yes, you can play with your friend AFTER you clean your room."
2 - Hold on loosely but don't let go. Sure, it's a rock song, but it really works in most relationships especially parenting. The goal of parenting is to make dependent people independent in every way: socially, financially, spiritually, emotionally. I like to think of parenting like a sledding slope. The first 5 years you are getting the gear out to do the gig. The next 5 years is the trek up the mountain, the next 5 is the trek down where it is all about just guiding and enjoying the ride and recovering from any wipe outs. The next 5 years is sharing the excitement over a cup of cocoa.
3 - Know the difference in covenant and contract. A covenant is an agreement based upon one person whereas a contract is an agreement based upon two people. Parenting is a covenant in the sense that love is there for children at no cost, expense or effort on their part. My children cannot earn my love, it is mine to give. There are things in the relationship, though, that need contractual agreements, not necessarily in the legal sense but in the agreement sense. "When you finish your homework, we'll go to the movie." and the like.
4 - My children are not "mine". I'm grateful I was a part of the process of creating my children but they are not mine. I do not own them and in fact, the role I have is to provide them the opportunity for them to be the "boss of themselves". They are a gift that I have been allowed to share for about 18 years.
5 - My children are not to carry on my dreams. - I want my kids to have their own dreams, not be burdened with unmet dreams of my life. That means that when they are on the playing field of life -- either metaphorically or physcially - my role is to cheer on my kid and their team. My kids are not there to struggle under my past no matter how glorious or pathetic.
6 - Speak truth into theier lives whenever possible - Parenting is like a great "reveal" where you can literally speak what can be into their lives whenever possible. Sometimes it may sound like a fiction story when you day, "I know you can accomplish _____ goal!" And sometimes it may be the impossible dream. The goal of dreaming is to create a new reality that can be accomplished simply by seeing possibilities over obstacles, the good in the bad, the possible in the impossible.
7 - Be a screw up - I believe that kids need guidance, not perfection. In fact, I believe the role of parenting is to create completion not perfection. Parenting, by divine design, is as much about parents formation as it is the kids. This humble approach to parenting is transformative in that parents will learn as much about themselves and the world through the process of good parenting as the kids will.
8 - Companion to #7 - Say "I'm sorry" quickly - I have no problem saying "I blew it!" to my kids when appropriate and the sad fact is, I blow it everyday. I don't have all the answers on any subject which is good because what my kids need to know is that I care and that I can listen and that together we can face the day.
9 - Have a partner - Whether married or not, parents need support. I am grateful for my husband of 21 years who is gifted in ways that I cannot ever be. There are days when I call and say, "Your kid needs you today." which is a way to say, "you're gifted in this area -- I am not." Especially as our kids have grown up I have been amazed at how my husband can untangle a knot with our kids. And there are times when my style of parenting is best suited to a given situation. This is not a competition but a team goal.
10 - Pray a lot - I believe that kids are part of a divine design with a creator that knows everything they need before they ever take a first breath. In fact that is my prayer in the murky days of parenting, "YOU know what they need, help them in spite of me."
This is a good time to say "you're the best" to a couple of people who make my world shine, my kids, Nathan (18) and Ellen (16) who are better people most days than I'll ever be. Thank you for the gifts you give me this season and everyday. Why God gave you to me is the testimony that He has a terrific sense of humor and endless grace.
