Thank ye

Running into the store this morning to get some milk, I quickly realized that the thanksgiving season is now fully in swing which means that the rest of the holiday season is cranking up too. I'm a bit of a scrooge about almost every holiday. It comes from my "warped, cranky and bitter" disposition, according to one of my favorite comic friends. And she's right, in a way. There seems to be a lot of energy wrapped up in the holiday season, trying to be cheerful and thoughtful. I can usually manage at least a dowdy good will by christmas eve with some effort and lots of chocolate.

So I thought I'd try to write something that was thankful in spirit while also trying to give some nod to the reality of the season. So here goes. I have no idea how it will end up, which is a lot like most of my holidays. Sometimes the best of times are those things not planned.

I'm thankful for the bills that I pay because it means somebody, somewhere trusts me to pay them. While I may question their confidence in me, at least they are thinking about me and thinking that I really can do it. That's encouraging and ennobles me to keep working every day. I hate disappointing people, even those that I don't know.

I'm thankful for the backed up sink in my kitchen and the refrigerator that hasn't worked right for six months. I know people who don't own a home and having one, with all its responsibilities, is truly a gift.

I'm thankful for the quiet mornings that are left after the busy-ness of raising school age children. It means that my children are happily employed in the business of their lives and that they are doing exactly what they were raised to do, which is, to make their own messes and figure out the stuff that life teaches.

I'm thankful for my marriage of 21 years. I now know more about the inner workings of college football and basketball and the sacredness of ESPN. I am grateful for the familar presence of Dan, his quiet grace and his ever present refusal to let me be anything less than who I am. I am also grateful for the pile of books that I read while the score is being kept during all those game and the cat that persists to sit on my lap between my eyes and my book. Someday, I may not be able to see the small print -- or the cat for that matter. I'm grateful that I had a childhood that had a lot of books around for reading has been my personal paradise.

I am grateful for art of all kinds -- the music that I play everyday, the books that I can get for free at the library, the artwork that moves me when I visit the museum. Art is a necessity and there was a time in my life I had forgotten that. Without art, life is just a jumble of numbers and deadlines, making no sense, having no spirit or soul.

I am grateful for all my friends: the comics, the writers, the jesus-freaks, the doubters, the movers and shakers, the encouragers, the believers. I'm thankful for their rugged persistence in being my friend, for their kindness, and for their honesty even when I may not want to hear it. I am grateful that I have been given so many in which to learn about and from. I love laughing over food with them after a long day's work, of watching them on their individual "stages" where they perform in whatever it is they do. I'm honored to have been invited into their lives and to offer whatever I can.

I am grateful for the grief of this year's sadness. This year has been a year when so much has been lost and though the passing of good friends has left me stunned with understanding the brevity and preciousness of life, I am blessed to have known some truly great people. In fact, the question I am learning to ask is not so much as to why they are gone but why exactly was I given such a grace to know them and how can I be a reminder of what they have given me?

I'm grateful for hot earl grey tea on cold mornings after excercising. I'm grateful for coffee with lots of cream. I'm grateful for the smirk on my daughter's face, for the brief moments when she still lets me hug her, for my son's text messages. I'm grateful for deep feelings -- both elation and pain for it means that I am alive and able to experience life in all its many forms. I'm grateful for the chance to start over and the opportunity to try something new. I'm grateful for failure because it lets me know that I'm human and that striving for perfection is something best left to God. I'm grateful for victory because it teaches me about myself, but not as much as failure does.

I'm grateful for the breath of a new day and for this life filled with joys and disappointments for in these things I truly have experienced God.