Adrenaline Junkies Unite

It's the proverbial "month end", which in the sales industry means that we're all huddled over laptops, with phones in ear, reaching for that elusive scoreboard that will confirm our commission checks.

After 13 years, I am now firmly a recovering adrenaline junkie. I have ceased to find my "hit" by waiting until the last minute to try to work one month of effort into a 3 hour, no sleep, nail-biting day.

My recovery has had moments worthy of any addict who goes "off the wagon". The sleepless nights, the anxiety, the worry. All those things that give the appearance of importance dissolve into the meaningless abyss once you figure out that you don't have to live by the clock. You don't have to give your soul to chasing numbers and figures. In fact, when you do, you cease to exist in any measureable way and you lose whatever ground you've fought so hard to find.

The funny thing is, that once you realize that your life isn't about the scoreboard any more (and in reality, never was) you begin to loosen up and actually enjoy what you are doing. It's one of those life ironies -- the more you loosen up, the more you do better.

For me personally, I've discovered that I can keep a workable (translation -- functional) schedule, doling out my activity in bite size pieces and actually enjoy my work and the people in which I lead.

There's a lot more I can say about this but as any recovering junkie I'm still learning how to much to show, how much to tell. Since trust is a big issue for many of us, whatever "trash" we're into, I'm learning how much I can safely say. As with any dependency, just admitting that you're hooked is more than half the battle. For me, I was hooked on the sense that I was actually doing something, when in reality I was procrastinating, doing sloppy, careless work, all for the rush of going into motion and doing a yeoman's work in a matter of hours.

It's not been an easy recovery. Is any recovery easy? I find myself in my daily walks (for now, I have a daily schedule that includes walking (alone), eating (oh my gosh!) and spending time with those that I care about and actually seeing them sitting in front of me, instead of the haze of my ragged agenda floating somewhere in the bubble above my head.

For what is this journey to recovery anyway than simply trying to find significance. For the adrenaline junkie, it's the significant in doing..."if I can just do ____" then surely I will find (security, relationships, meaning). It's the constant doing, doing, doing until the fire slowly ebbs out of you, frying your brain, your life, your very soul.

I don't anticipate an easy road ahead. There's always the illusion of adding heaps of stuff to my schedule in the anticipation of getting more of "whatever" it is that I think that will be accomplished.

Now, accomplishing nothing is the greatest feeling of all.