Woman emerges from holiday coma, film at 11

I wondered out today and did my only "holiday" shopping. You know, the REAL stuff, where you buy things with someone else's money?

I believe that one of the reasons God made the internet is for people like me -- who absolutely detest the whole shopping-on-foot experience. So therefore, I shop mainly online, and no, I don't worry about identity theft. If anybody is THAT desperate for my identity, they probably need it more than I do.

Every now and then, it's good to see how the other half lives. So I planned an adventurous outing to find something to wear on an upcoming business trip. Being New Year's Day, I went to my favorite store and the store was eerily quiet. Dazed and confused sales clerks stood leaning against their registers, looking shell-shocked and somber. Someone was sweeping in the boutique area. It was quiet, like they were all in mourning or something.

I think there should be a new holiday for those that work retail, call it "holiday sales help appreciation day" or something. Maybe offer counseling to those that had 500 hours of retail holiday sales help. Or they could offer anxiety medications as a benefit for those that work Oct 31 through Jan 1.

Of course, that might infer that they actually do "help" a person with their shopping, wouldn't it? It might infer that they would do more than point - vaguely - in the direction of where you'd like to find something in your size. It might infer that they would not walk away from their little perch when you (finally!) am ready to check out. It might infer that they actually look at you when you say "May I help you?". The last clerk who said that to me streaked by me so fast, I think she created a time warp.

I have the perfect shopping companion -- my 17 year old son. For a mere $10 in gas money and a chili dog at Sonic, he provides excellent fashion consultation. You want an honest opinion on if you look fat in a skirt? He's your guy. He actually told me that one outfit I tried on (one that I really, really liked!) made me look like the sofa in the Pier 1 catalog. I quickly returned it to the rack. Personal shoppers, take note! THIS is what we really want when we ask for your help. Affordable fashion advice, delivered in a no nonsense fashion.

I tried to be adventurous in my selections, which means, I tried on at least one item that wasn't black. But I have to be realistic - -the fashions that grace most of the fashion mags cannot be worn by a forty-plus figure. My belly button does not need to be exhibited anywhere where I am not getting my annual pap smear. Nor, do I need to be courting the fashionistas version of the "return of the 70's". Fringe only looks good on Cher and I am a lot of things, but Cher I am not. (Am I the only one that doesn't remember the 70's as a particularly bad time in the fashion world??)

Still, I'm happy with my selections. Brown pants (though boring) will do me well and I already have boots to match. Whoever came up with that kids line - Garanimals - should really consider designing something for those of us whose fashion star has set. It would be wonderful to know that THIS black (or brown) matches THAT black or brown. I usually find out when I get home that no, it was not.

I heard my son on his phone with a friend who must've asked what he did today. "just some shopping with my mom" is all he would admit to. With tact like that, I expect he'll run for office.