Doorway People

Friday afternoon, weekend shaping up...I seem to always get reflective on Fridays.

I'm listening to Dan take message after message from well wishers -- people who have known him for the 18 years he has worked in the telecommunication industry. Evidently, this layout is much deeper than we first realized as many, many great minds are being cut. Interesting to think what all those amazing minds could accomplish if they were to put their heads together someway...what kind of company, what kind of solutions could be found if they could work with their full potential?

Dan has a compadre of people that love him and have loved working with him. Dan is just that kind of person...kind to a fault, thoughtful and steady. The quintessential "Great Guy".

We have the usual kids activities this weekend -- bball tourney, soccer tourney and we're finally starting to paint N's bathroom, which is going to totally ROCK with its dramtic tones and electic feel. The highlight of my week as a mom -- was able to pick out shoes that Nathan will actually wear with a suit when he starts taking on all those Senior Activities....I deserve some honorary medal or some kind of design token for making that happen, I do believe.

I've been thinking about the different passages of life and how the people that we come to know are at times entrances into a new way of thinking. These are the people that provide the emeregence of values, of ideas, and somewhat forcefully cause us to take on the great journey of life.

Some people we come to know are exits that cause us to take the quickest ramp towards something else. Their presence seems to caution us, "go down this way and certain doom will impart."

And then some people are doorways that allow you to explore before unseen and unheard of ideas. They don't stay around too long and they may not show up at dinner. Indeed they may be the author of a book or a teacher that one holds in high regard. They probably can't identify you by name, but you know them and their spirit during the darkest of nights, the roughests of times, the stormiest of seas.

I think these kind of "doorway" people are the true angels of our world. They don't hover. They don't press. They probably do what they do without a lot of fanfare and may not even know how they touch our lives. Its not so much that they introduce things to us as to help us continue down a path that we are already on...they don't alter the course of ones life as much as they define it

...perhaps that we don't realize we are treading. They help us find the signposts that we may be searching, in spite of our ardent claim that we are NOT searching.

They are an extension of a greater power, an extension of a spiritual force that shapes us over time.

The lead us to greater things within ourselves and within our world.

('m not sure the metaphor stands up...so I'll keep thinking about it.)

Practical Jokes, lil brother style

If you've never had 4 brothers --- all of them younger -- you may not appreciate this entry. Because only if you have had brothers, would you understand the real meaning of "practical joke".

My brothers always make me laugh and they always surprise me. Today was no exception.

Got an email from my brother Jon, who asked for my fax #. Since my fax is not working, I gave him the number of a UPS store nearby.

A few hours later, I get a call from the UPS store. The usual friendly clerk sounded a bit different on the phone, but I thought little of it.

When I picked up the fax, she smiled and wouldn't catch my eye. She then said, "looks like an interesting fax". I looked at her curiously.

Then I read the cover letter. See, I was not thinking and told my brother, BE SURE TO PUT A COVER LETTER ON IT...thinking, that would be an easy enough thing to do.

I forgot with whom I was dealing...I forgot to think that I gave him a GREAT entry into a great joke, with the laugh on me.

So, I look down at the fax and the cover letter reads, "Maurie and Dan -- GLAD to have you as part of our swingers club....we know you'll make great addition to our club and our events".

I tried to explain to my UPS friend that this was from my little brother, but that didn't seem to help.

Blabber Blog

Crazy day, lots of business...prospecting at a local community event which was amazing...Once I get there I always enjoy just talking and connecting with people...I have a lot of fun, making dumb jokes with the participants, having fun.

Tomorrow is another busy day. Too many sales professional don't work on Fridays but in my opinion Friday and Monday's are KEY days and one way to get a jump on things is to work a full week (hard to do when you are 'self-employed'...especially on these beautiful spring days.

Spent my few spare minutes thinking about garden design plans...

Your mercies are new every morning. (Sprouts of vinca emerge from last year's leaves.) 

Sanctuary Garden

When the word sanctuary is ued I generally refer to a spiritual type of place...perhaps even a church.

The real meaning of sanctuary to me is now more and more in my garden. In fact there is a entire way of gardening that is referred to as "sanctuary gardening". (www.cortesia.org).

Here are a few guiding principles of such an endeavor...
1 - embrace your sacredness
2 - embrace the sacredness of the world
3 - acknowledge the value of sanctuary for yourself, nature and all other beings and places
4 - create sacred time and space for yourself every day
5 - practice nonjudgment and compassion
6 - give of yourself to bring more joy, beauty, hope and peace into the world
7 - practice reverence for life.

I'm not one much for dogmas or creeds, but these ideas just seem to make sense to me. Sure some of the wording is a bit different than what I would use, but the essence is there...a life of reflection, generosity and reverence.

After all, didn't life begin in a Garden?

Jon Stewart, you are DA MAN

My day ends each night with checking in with the master of irony Jon Stewart. And I wish each time I see it that I could just sit down and talk to the guy...and have him make jokes about anything..anything at all...

right now he and his crew are really ragging on Martha Stewart and its just hilarious. He is not giving her any slack, what with the media watching her every move (who cares?)...and who better to take shots at the media and Martha than Jon Stewart...he just has no equal. LOVE YOU JON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes..

Today, we learned that my husband has been "terminated" from his 18 years of employment.

We had been somewhat expecting it, as the industry has been spiraling downward for some time. Yet, there is a finality that is somewhat surprising and also freeing.

I just want to surround him with good things right now and so I've kept my head down today and worked and will work more tomorrow. We have to acknowledge the blessings of having had a great job for this long -- many people don't have that. We have and Dan is to be thanked for that. He is a solid, consistent worker.

So here we are -- middle aged, kids out of braces, into cars and soon college. A certain turning point in all our lives...what will we do?

I have no answers, but I know the One who does. And He is good all the time.

Grace

I arrive home late, already dreading what will meet me at the door. Early practice means early dinner and I'm, well, I'm late.

I sped home through the construction ("Follow the orange barrels to progress!") and didn't give my usual nod of approval to the foreman that changes the right hand land every dang day. No wonder people run off the road into the fresh cement! What do they expect!

The mobile phone beeps non-stop, I turn it off, ignoring the last few calls. I failed to get by the store, so dinner will be "interesting" or as my grandmother use to say "Fiesta Night". I'm grumbling, I'm tired, it's only Monday and it feels like Thurday.

Then, I see her. Unobtrusive but elegantly before me. Her white petals turned towards me, reassuringly, comforting. I unclench my teeth, I let go of the wheel, I take my foot off the pedal.

The White Star Magnolia stands magnificently beside my office door and with its sway of the wind, I catch my breath. In spite of my less than patient demeanor I am forced to stop, to wonder, to be amazed again at the small graces that God provides me.

I am so awful at taking time and slowing down. I am so awful at the fine art of life that I am, at times, ashamed of how I may have wasted the first 40 years here on this earth.

But the sight of that tree reminds me that God is patient. He blooms where we fail, He nourishes while we neglect. He needs no reminder of the constancy of the seasons, yet we need every moment the consistency of His Grace.

I have heard countless definitions of "grace". Growing up in a wacky fundamentalist regime, grace was often defined, but rarely experienced. I've come to understand that you cannot define it until you experience it.

Grace stops us in our tracks, forces us to see the world differently, asks the tough questions. I don't know how the white star is able to bloom in spite of plunging temperatures. I don't know how it stays put in the reckless wind that brings tornadoes. I can't imagine what force courses through its being to produce the amazing star light qualities that it has.

But I experience it and like grace, once you experience it, the questions may not go away but they don't seem to matter as much. Grace just IS. In spite off, in addition to, instead of....GRACE. Thank God, quite literally, for it.

Grace is God's reminder to me that He is above my actions, thoughts.
Grace is God's promise to me that He is judging me, no one else.

Grace is God's reckless endowment to allow others to experience this transforming power.

"To embrace the value of idleness...

To see the ordinary gifts of grace" --- Terry Hershey

The essence and grace of spring -- White Star Magnolia. 

Hyacinths paired with "baby blanket" a landscape rose that will be profuse with blooms later this month. 

Triumphant hyacinths salute Spring. 

Gardener's Journal

I take a tour of the garden, noting what has started its new season, what needs to be removed. There is a side of gardening that many don't discuss, but it is as necessary to the process of growth as anything.

There is a certain amount of natural violence in a garden. Today I noticed the hyacinths pushing back clods of dirt, defying the Oklahoma clay for its showing of brilliant magenta. The clay looks crumpled, defeated in light of this victory. The strength of that hyacinth is wonderous to me.

What started as an ugly bulb now parades in my border as some lady of the evening, bright and lustrous, tempting me with her scent and her color. The clay has been defeated for this beauty.

The brush that I cleared away was once a part of this parade, its time now spent, it now gives itself to the soil as food and organic material. Death, life and then death.

"A great many people will live out their days without ever seeing such sights, or if they do, never grasping." Barbara Kingsolver

There is a certainty to this garden that I cannot deny. It's beauty is there but its effort is also there. It's ability to transform itself each season from a lifeless track of twigs and brittle seeds is nothing short of miraculous. But a beautiful violence allows it to be so.

What of this effort that allows new things to begin? What does this say to life? What does it say about God, indeed does it say anything?

Or am I just another spring romantic in love with the wonders of Spring?

Gardener's Journal

Day two of clearing out the winter brush. My hands are full of spliters, rough from the dry leaves and gnarly roots.

I have filled up two garbage pails of twigs, brush, leaves and "sludge" from ponds and overbrush. Under the brown crunch, there is the emergence of the stella o dora's, the red twig dogwood upright and sure amidst the brown haze of last year's winter.

Clean soil. Clean ponds. Clean, new spring. Like grace, full of promise and hope.

Soul Gardening

www.terryhershey.com

This book is one of my favorites...I read it every year and it yields new insights. Here's a quote:

I love to stretch out on a garden bench on a warm summer day.
I love a hot shower and drying with an expensive oversized cotton towel.
I treasure the certainty that grace gives us all many second chances.
And I love to lose track of time in my garden.

Village Idiot Times Reports

T-Town, USA.

City officials noted today that they are in the midst of hiring a new executive to, well, they aren't quite sure.

"There are some pot holes in the city that need to be filled..maybe he can do that." a spokesman for the city said today.

The plan to hire someone new comes as a shock to the plebians that live in the city and support it with their tax dollars. "We thought we might have a say in this process, but we forget..this isn't a democracy." said one Plebian who asked to not be identified.

Indeed, the city has been in the hands of HRH for over two years now and since he has the lineage that meets with city approval, his decisions are generally uncontested. "We're basically window dressing in the leadership store." said one official today.

The new executive will be paid out of what is already a shrinking budget. When asked how the funds might be collected, HRH declined comment.

Gardener's Journal -- March

I'll make a trip later to the big box store for organic soil, etc. This morning I cleaned out two large beds and now have cleaned out the smaller of two ponds. Now it's time to make some decisions on what will be planted later this year.

Traditionally I don't plant anything new until after May 1...there is just too much risk with the crazy Oklahoma weather. I've seen snow on Easter Sunday and 101 degrees in October, so for now, I'll stick to sprucing up some container gardening, readying them for their year of decking patio and pergola. I will post some pics later that will serve as a way to track the garden's growth this year.

My big dilemma is on whether I want to try some vegetables or stick to what I usually have more luck with -- perennials and roses. I enjoy more of a higgly piggly look to my garden, which is a lot like enjoying a more casual look with color and it is harder to obtain that look. It takes a lot of planning to get that "unplanned" natural look. I think the most successful gardens are those that use roses and vegetables in a way that is both creative and functional. Very challenging to do well, though, at least for me.

The work in the raised beds, with leftovers from last year's herb garden present an opportunity to inhale rosemary which is heavenly.

The biggest mistake that I've made in past years -- and the one that I see a lot of others doing is rushing the season. Even though garden centers are stocking a lot of growing plants, it is really not the time to plant anything...but it is the time to invest in any hardscape or cleaning out of beds. Putting expensive plants in untreated and unreadied soil is like bringing a new baby home and putting them in the dusty old basement. It's important to take the time to prepare the soil, allow the soil to warm and make good decisions on what can be planted successfully.

It's almost here -- GARDENING TIME!

I took a trip to the garden store looking for pre-emergent for the lawn, when I caught the whiff of what is unmistakenably the most sensual sign of spring -- the scent of hycinth. WOW! She was a beauty, bold and blue and the scent was heavenly.

This weekend is the big start...I'll begin with having my hefty 16 year old and my very athletic 14 year old with cleaning out the winter "brush" in the gardens and then we'll add organic material to the beds. Redefining the lines of the garden, making notes of what didn't make it through the cold winter and what needs to be removed or replaced.

It's all about perennials for me and I've selected several key points in our back to focus upon this year. One of my gardening friends warned me when I started that I'd soon be addicted to the beauty and simplicity of gardening. The prophecy proved true. I relish the smell, the feel, the senses of gardening...nothing nourishes my soul or brings me closer to God than those moments in the garden.

This year, the pool is already a part of the plan, with execavation scheduled to begin in the next two weeks. We are doing it "ourselves" meaning we're just serving as our our contractors.

When I look at the gardening books I have to remember that some of those gardens have been "in the works" for 20 years or more...gardening is about patience if it is about nothing else. And you must allow the time for a garden to mature and grow into itself.

I'll be posting a lot more about gardening as it inspires me in many ways. I believe that a lot of life can be better understood when one spends time in the garden. Life for me, begins in the garden. I'll post some of pics from my garden, too. It is a work in process.

Tax time

The news is in...I've been held up again, this time for over $7,000. So, it's back to the drawing board, figuring out how to better plan for next year's tax season, so that maybe -- just maybe -- I can avoid a heavy hit at this time next year.

For those that are not self employed, who don't work every day for their income, who cry and moan and wail that we need this government program and that...I say, fork over 30% of YOUR income and see how you feel about BIG GOVERNMENT then. I don't mind paying for my fair share of taxes, I just don't want to pay for everyone else's.

I have a new definition of liberal: someone who makes their paycheck from the income of those who work for themselves. This might include teachers, government workers, city and municipal employees...anybody that relies on tax dollars to support their livlihood.

A lot of democrats are just communists in disguise -- and not very good ones, either.

Oscar discovery, AD 4032

I wonder what some future society will discover when they "unearth" the memories of the Oscar's? Maybe something like this...???


AP NEWS REPORTS...

Archeologists today reported discoveries in what use to be known as "Hollywood", which has been under water for the last 600 years.

The remains of this ancient city were discovered when scientists were drilling for metroil off the coast of what use to be called the state of California.

"We're very excited about the potential of such a discovery", says Ronald Elwood, Professor of Historic Cities at Citadel University. "This may unlock the mysteries of many of the ancient cities of the late 21st century."

Scientists are still identifying many of the artificats that littered the prestigious temple that was once called the "Kodak Theater". Scientists have believed for many years that complex worship services were conducted here yearly when many of the Gods and Goddesses of the Theater would enter the court wearing their finest robes and jewels. Peasants lined up to take what is sometimes referred to as "photographs" of these royals to be seen across many parts of the then known world.

"These were some of the most beautiful people of our time, sometimes undergoing hours and hours of bodily surgery to get their forms thin. This was of course before we fully understood the dangers of this primitive art form, " says Dr. Elwood.

"We know that this society was very religious about these dieties, but we're not really sure why." he continued. "We are searching for reasons that would help us understand their adulation towards these beings."

Included in the discovery were communication devices, what scientists think are primitive forms of the tele-laser, which allowed members of this society to communicate through speaking into the small device. Mind reading and telepathy had not yet become the force that it is today in these societies. "These were state of the art at the time" Dr. Elwood reports, "even though they were by our standards quite difficult to use."

Scientists hope that this bounty of information wil help them better understand the end of what was once considered the world's greatest society.

Village Idiot Times Reports

Local Officials Announce New Position Open

T-TOWN, USA. Local officials noted that a new position would be opening up for Associate Highness later this month.

"We're really excited about this, " says one official, who asked to not be identified, since he had heard nothing about it until this interview.

"Our leadership style is simple, " he continued. "We pretty much lead by benign neglect."

The Reigning Arch Highness, who commented from an undisclosed location, says he will be leading the interviews. "No one knows as much as me, " he said, while taking a break from his Mike Myers Movie Marathon (MMMM).

The organization has fallen on hard times over the last few years, but that doesn't seem to bother those in leadership. "We really don't know what to do with the people that live here, anyway, so the fewer there are, the better for us." says one leader, who also asked to not be identified.

Funds for the new position may not be available, since the organization is in a spiral downturn with its funding. "The idea is simple economics...we will just ask those who have money to give all they have, while those of us in leadership will just live off its bounty."

When asked if this wasn't indeed communism, RAH says, "I'm not really sure what that will look like, but I can't rule that out." He pondered that for a moment, rubbing his chin, then went back to his movie marathon.

Still there are some that are doubtful that this experiment will work. "We don't listen much to them" says one leader.

AP PHOTOS

Oscar Review

Here's my top winnings from Oscar night

For best dress: Kate Winslet - thanks for being original and wearing something besides gold, white or black.

For weirdest presenter -- Sean Penn. Dude, lighten up. Chris Rock got paid for being funny at the Oscar, did you get extra $$ for being just plain wierd?

For sexiest man -- sorry, gotta go with my man Clint Eastwood on this. And he had the sense to bring his 96 year old mama to the awards with him...what a guy. Clint, you made my day.

For most beautiful woman - Hilary Swank. Ok, the "girl from the trailer park" speech was a bit hokey, but she deserved her oscar and her overall "look" was amazing. Thanks for wearing lipstick. (See below).

For most difficult trend to pull off in real life -- the long hair thing looks great when you have packs of professionals helping you with extensions, etc. And the "nude" lipstick trend...oh my gosh, have we come back to THAT? Beauty trendsetters take note: most women aren't going to balance their color enough drama on their eyes to make up for the lack of color on their lips. Please don't do this to us -- AGAIN!

Best looking tux -- Jamie Foxx, thanks for "keeping it real"..a suit even a 16 year old kid could love (and he did).

Best speech -- again, Jamie Foxx, for dedicating his oscar to his "first acting coach" his grandmother. Loved it.

Best quick come back -- when Chris Rock made fun of the Oscars trying to keep the awards simpler..."the drive in Oscars" bit was hilarious. Rock makes it clear that NOTHING is sacred...if only we'd had more time with him.

Best agent-- Beyonce must have some kind of "people" working for her to land her the "starring" role in all those music numbers. But she did show her amazing versatilty in singing and her ability for "eye candy".

Worst agent -- What'd he say? Someone get Antonion Banderas and Penelope Cruz a speech coach! It was cute at first, but I felt like I was at the Latino Academy Awards. No one is more glad than I am that spanish culture and art is now a force in our lives, but I guess I still would like to watch the Academy Awards without a spanish-english dictionary.

Overall a good evening....check out people.com for all the dirt.

Not going to take that bullet

I'm trying to calm down from a very emotional church service. The music was first was moved me because I feel that I am in need of such hope in my life right now. I think it is just the usual "stuff" that I use to hear my g'mother talk about...taxes, kids going to college, etc.

Not the best day to hear a sermon about how I should sell everything and give to the poor.

Good admonition and certainly I can do more towards helping others. I'm sure that I can do more. Yet my first response to this is what my usual response to church preachers who get up and start yammering about giving money away.

Questions come to my mind...like, "Mister private university graduate, did you ever work 3 jobs to get yourself through college?"

Or maybe, "have you ever stood in line and paid for your groceries with your mom on food stamps?"

Or how about, "did you ever "get" to wear some of that "given away clothing" in the benevolence room to church, and have others say to you, 'I use to have a dress like that...' knowing full well that it was indeed that same piece of clothing that they had cast off. Last year's fashions, with tears and stains on them?

It seems to me that there is a part of scripture that never gets discussed in these "discussion" (like can we really talk back to the preacher while he yammers on...)...like the fact that Christ also said, "the poor will always be with us.." and "if a man doesn't work, neither should he eat.." and countless other things that to me say our saviour was all about "helping" others take responsibility for their lives, not just giving them handouts...

Not to mention the fact that there are other resources that are certainly abused...things like time and talents...how many sermons do I get to sit through where the admonition is to use our talents more wisely, giving our time and energy to those with less in these areas...there are a lot of those in a certain age group that seem to misuse these priceless resources. When will we get to hear about these?

And it is especially hard to hear from the standpoint that some of us have worked hard -- worked damn hard -- for everything that they have today.

I think I will choose not to take this bullet. I'll step aside on this one.

One of my favorite - Maria Bamford

Check out truly great talent -- Maria Bamford. One of the few female comics that has it figured out.

In the afterglow of a great novel

Reading a great novelist such as Margaret Atwood makes one think about the weightier things in life. And I love it when a novelist can do that.

I've been contemplating several aspects of life and you cannot do that without of course thinking about death. It may sound morbid but on the contrary I think it can be somewhat encouraging. After all, none of us are getting out of this life alive, so why not give some thought to it?

I especially have thought about the little deaths and re-births of all types of relationships. Example...my husband and I have been married now for over 19 years. Our relationship is much different than it was in the beginning. It has in a sense, died and been re-born a thousand times. It's been at times demanding, diffult and wonderfully creative.

There are parts of a relationship that one can miss..that I can miss, but the cold hard truth of the matter is this: moving forward in a relationship means that parts of the relationship must die (go away, cease to exist) so that new parts can be reborn. This is a good thing, a necessary thing, the only way to maintain the "life" of a relationship.

I wonder, then, why we don't give more thought to this? Why we don't look at the life cycles of relationships, of organizations -- businesses, churches, schools -- and say, "it's been a good run, but it's time for a new birth, which by its very nature insists upon some type of death."

I think about church, especially, at this time. Why don't we choose to bring in hospice and other forms of dignified death to allow a congregation to die a peaceful, due death? Why don't we want to recognize that there are significant roles to play when a congregation ceases to be a functional entity, and that its time has come to be reborn and therefore to die from "natural causes". After all, even the musicians aboard the Titanic had their purpose. What creative ways can we learn to allow a church, an organization to die with dignity and honor?

We talk so much about birthing new things -- churches, new businesses, and yet our culture is littered with the reality that to do that, ideas must die and be re-born in new ways. Far from being depressing, to me this is enlightening, exciting even to realize that new forms of living, breathing and working can result from simply realizing that we need to go a different way.

What would LandsEnd be without the demise of Sears? Where would we be if we were all still using punch cards instead of high speed internet? Who among us would argue that HDTV isn't far above the old black and white consoles?

Instead of wringing our hands and mourning, can't we stop and realize yes, this is hard but necessary and the only way through life is through death?

Finishing "Oryx and Crake"

I finished "Oryx and Crake" today. Kind of wooly and symbolic and not easy to summarize. Atwood's future world and its open ended ending sets thoughts in motion that are not easy to categorize. Masterfully written...a bit slow in the beginning...but the dialogue picks up. The thinly veiled "Crake" is unlikeable, which I believe is intentional on the author's part. Jimmy is the conscious of the book and ourselves as we deal with the connundrum's of technology and progress. I'm usually not a fan of such genre's but this is something that kept my attention through the long haul.

The Daily Show rules

I often enjoy the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, but last night's episode was one of the best. There was a skit that they did regarding fundamentalist who take the rapture very seriously. One guy actually has an email 'service' to email those "left behind" when the rapture takes place to notify their friends of their departure. The Daily Show handled this with their usual dose of irony, satire and wit.

Here's a clip from a recent show...regarding the White House controversy and web bloggers...
Daily Show: "Fact" Obsessed Bloggers

And if you still haven't had enough of JS, then check out http://www.jonstewart.net/bio/quotes.html

Great stuff, I'm a huge fan. I'd love to be on his show, so I'm busy writing a book..and if that doesn't get me on, then maybe I'll find a scandal or something.

Margaret Atwood interview

Still plodding through "Orxy and Cryk". See the author's interview about her latest book. I find her views on creation quite interesting. I will most likely go back and re-read other books she has written.

I downloaded my copy of Storyweaver and have spent some time with it...great stuff and promises to make some use out of years and years of journal scribblings. Writing for me has become my new caffeine, a wellspring of sustenance during the day to day comings and goings.

Snake in my bedroom

Sunday's weather was so wonderful, so breezy and warm, that I left my back door open for a bit to enjoy. Some fresh air can do wonders for the dull darkness of winter weather.

I forgot that I had a big puddle in the back yard...I call it a pond, but it's mostly a dirty puddle with some scraggly plants trying to survive. I forgot that snakes seek high ground and warm tile, of which my bedroom has plenty. I forgot that most snakes are just now starting to awaken for their summer munching.

But I remembered all this as I awakened this morning, groaning in the light of a new day -- a MONDAY. My eyes dim with sleep, I swing my legs over the bed and then a sound, like a baby's rattle, but softer and yet more intense.

I shake my eyes open, still unbothered, reaching for sleep, knowing its gone now for another 14 or 18 hours...then, that sound again.

I get real still. The house is still, quiet. Kids are at practice. Dan working. It's technically a "holiday", so things at our house are a bit more calm. Again, the sound.

I awaken now, on guard. I look to the corner of the room, where a small but firm coil is tucked into a corner, on the tile near the door, its head moving like those break dancers I see on TV...its head is moving, but its body is really still.

I'd be fascinated if I wasn't sitting in my pj's with my bare feet dangling over the side of my bed within reach if he stretched out fully.

We watch each other for a bit..does he see me? Is it a HE? I get real still, watching its tongue shiver. I heard once that snakes use their tongues to smell, so maybe he's (?) sniffing me, undoubtedly smelling the fear that now is prevelent...I'm scared. Oh boy, am I scared.

My brothers always knew that if they really wanted to frighten me, go out into the wheat field behind our ramshackle house and find a small snake -- even a baby -- and hold it in my face and the requisite big sister's scream would fill the neighborhood. Cheap thrills, better than watching a horror movie for them. I'd plot my revenge for days. This fear of snakes is unrealistic, illogical but oh so REAL.

I curl back up slowly, watching, looks like I'm not going anywhere for a bit.

Forgiveness

My grandmother is one forgiving woman. She has the ability to love through and through, to see a person in spite of all the stupid things that they might have done. I have watched over the years as she has forgiven people time and time again and done it with graciousness and dignity.

I asked her once, "How do you do that? How can you just let someone off after what they've done to you?"

Her answer still rings true to me. She said, "When you forgive, you aren't letting the other person "off"...you are letting yourself off. You are letting yourself off from revenge, vengence, hate and anger."

At the time I was a saucy teenager who thought I knew everything and had no idea what she was trying to say. After all, teenage angst is part of the growing up process, I had a "right" to my anger.

Many years later, the truth of her words is only now beginning to make sense to me. I don't question the reasons for forgiving, but the "how to" has always eluded me a bit. Today I made a list in my "real" journal on some things that I must forgive. I'm praying for grace in order to do that...because, forgiveness can only come from God. If I try to do it on my own, I will inevitably fail.

I am going to try to take a baby step with acceptance. If I can learn to accept people, situations, then perhaps that is a first step towards the big F.

I hasten to add that God has seen fit to surround me with great forgivers in my life. Perhaps He knew how much I had to learn about this art form and that I needed lots of role modeling. Dan is also one of the great forgivers that I have known. He takes a more pragmatic side of things, though. He just thinks it takes up too much time and energy, which could of course be put to greater use watching March Madness. At least he's consistent.

I really believe there is a power in forgiveness that I don't yet know or understand. I have read the book "The Art of Forgiving" about 10 times and still think it has a lot of great stuff in it. So I'll keep reading, keep watching, keep praying to make forgiveness more part of my life.

And when I fail, as I most often will do, I will pray that those around me can exercise their forgiveness muscles as well.

Totally boring, rocking Saturday

Cook a large breakfast, color the hair, shop online, all while listening to some new tunes. I downloaded a new album (Zero 7) and I like it OK.

Time to evaluate the spring wardrobe. I'm a bit disappointed, LandsEnd sent me a "Plus Size" catalog. I think I'll write them and give them a piece of my mind. Still,they have some great stuff at great prices. Even though they are owned by Sears, to me they are foundational pieces of a wardrobe. Great stuff at good prices, good quality to supplement the more trendy pieces. Today I invested in a new spring trench, have had my mind on getting one to go with lighter weight things. I don't enjoy coats much, but light weight coat is almost a necessity with the best part of winter still ahead.

I enjoy Dallas shopping at the Allen Outlet Mall right off 75 South. Over 90 stores and I always hit the Addidas, Puma, Reebok outlets for my kids. I hope to get Dan there during spring break -- it's only 3 1/2 hours, really closer to me than KC, so its a good alternative to the rather bleak shopping options here in T-town. The ONLY place to shop in T-town, Stein Mart and maybe Target. Yeah, like a said, pretty bleak.

I also gave myself a late b-day present and purchased Storyweaver software so that I can make some sense of the huge collection of notes, story outlines that I have at my journal. I have been inspired by a new acquaintance who is actually working on a screen play with a buddy from L.A. This kind of big thinking totally inspires me. Thanks, Chris and Lindsay.

Current book

I am also reading a novel by one of my favorite author's - Margaret Atwood - Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood...this is one funky novel, almost apocalyptic in its tone, weary fatalism and futuristic mood to it. I'm not all the way finished with it yet, but am enjoying the stretching...I'm not a big sci fi fan (or futuristic or whatever this genre might be) but Atwood is masterful in her storyweaving. I'll try to post my own review of it later.

All my favorite things -- my kids, family, books, music and writing. There, that's my life in a nutshell. If, as Atwood predicts, the future ends here rather soon, I can rebuild my life with these things.

Chocolate cake, like the kind my daughter makes, would also be nice to have.

Home

"Maybe that's all a family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

This is one of the great quotes from "Garden State"...which I am now proud to say I own the soundtrack...am listening to it as I write this. Heady stuff.

I have been immersed in music since I've been on the road...picked up the Los Lonely Boys grammy-winning album, and dug through some of my older CD's that I've had at the bottom of my listening bag. Music feeds my soul...not always healthy food, true. But good stuff.

I stayed in Dallas with a friend, where I think I was the only 40 year old or over in a 3 mile swath. Everyone in her neighborhood is a "hottie"...young, urban, wouldn't know a facial wrinkle if they had one, well, right under their nose. I remember those days -- wouldn't go back if you paid me -- but does make one feel really ancient to be around a bunch of "under thirties".

Reaching 40 gives one the right to say "this is my life, and I'll live it how I please, thank you, even if that means that I'm not the most fashionable place, dress the most fashionably..." Wonder what 50 will bring?

Heard from an old friend on the phone on the way home...he sounded sad, and he was, I miss him.

It's just good to be home. Will turn up the stereo and bask in the lovliness of being home with those that I love.

Novel recommendation

1.

Upstate : A Novel

I was up until 3 am this morning finishing this book...and crying all the way through, which is unusual for me...maybe I was just tired, but this book (listened to on audible) was hauntingly beautiful. It had a good ending, but not a fairy tale ending, which always is more credible to me...life just isn't usually a fairy tale, so stories that end with somethings unresolved always seem more relevant to me.

At first the novel was a little too edgy, lots of language to get through, but it is about a couple of Harlem teenagers, so it is "real"...but don't read it if you are easily offended by the antics of teenagers in love.

Something that I think the book does a good job of is showing how lives that intersect -- though may not always stay in sync, still can profoundly influence. I also like the idea that the most broken in our society still have something--sometimes more -- to give to more "healthy" members. In fact, that theme has struck me several times in some other readings so I'm going to think on it more...

I have a friend in KC who is a theologian who is offering me a helping hand on some heavier, weightier things and I'm so thankful for his guidance. I have some gnarly questions that are tugging at the edge of my mind -- specifically the ideas of wealth in America and how that works -- or doesn't work -- with so many in the world living such poverty ridden lives, I've starting rethinking some things.

Tomorrow, road trip to Dallas -- really quick, and I'll be jammin to my new CD's...

Getting ready

I'm saving a lot of tracks into my computer so that I can have my favorite songs at my fingertips. I'm getting ready for the next 5 months...with a top trip on the line.

I've not yet taken a top director trip and I really want to take Dan on this trip...it's to Greece, a cruise, and we both love history, so it would be a lot of fun. Also, we're celebrating 20 years of being married this year and what a way to celebrate...free! On a top trip, with no holds barred.

So, I've been working on my plan...and its starting to take shape... it's different than I thought it would be, it's better. I am constantly amazed at how short sighted I am and how bigger things are always better...and ways that I can't always see.

I've also been working on some reading...I've been doing more readings from classical theologians (Nouwen, Watchman Nee) and current, including NTWright
http://www.hornes.org/theologia/content/travis_tamerius/interview_with_n_t_wright.htm

I don't know if I agree with all his destinations and conclusions, but that's not really the point...he has a lot of good things to say, and I'm trying to get my mind around them.

I find that when I'm immersed in music, art, writing, my life hums along better. Sometimes, I forget to feed my soul, and then I experience a poverty of spirit that is like desert in August...and all it takes is a poem, a book, an album to turn it around. God speaks in so many ways -- I see Him in great movies, great literature and in music. Not any of the "official" places, maybe, but ways that I see Him.

And yes, it does make sense that i see Him where I'm looking...and that is both enlightning and convicting.

Usher --

I went out and purchased "Usher's" new album...my favorite songs, "Caught up" and of course, "Yeah"...so I am jammin' to that new sound (for me). I still want to get Los Lonely Boys album...I dug out my Alicia Keys stuff and am re-listening to it...all great stuff and I'm really enjoying listening to my new tunes.

Valentine's Day

I'm sitting in my office surrounded by a big stuffed teddy, about 100 Snoopy cards, candy litters
my desk and flowers are sitting in a vase. I walked in and my study had been transformed
into a den of love. My husband has learned that on this day-- only two things matter...lots of chocolate and lots of flowers. He got it perfect this year...and snoopy cards were just an
extra fun touch. I wonder if I'll ever find all of them..they are hidden everywhere!

Last night my daughter and I made her first every "from scratch" chocolate cake -- absolutely
divine. It is a two-tier cake and it quite literally melts in my mouth. She doesn't like the
"sissy" box cakes, she says.

I gave a speech today for a speech contest -- and won-- my topic: Modern Love. I pulled
from over 20 years of relationships with Dan and the kids. I get to "re-do" it for a regional
contest in May -- hope the kinks are worked out of it by then and Dan can hear it.

I am basking in the love of those that mean the most to me...and it feels great. When I was young and my family was a mess, I would dream of having the kind of family that I have now...today is a good day to celebrate that gift.

Great moments from the Grammy's

Great lyrics from Kenye West:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kanyewest/jesuswalks.html

I'll be buying everything I can from USHER...what a great performer. http://www.usherworld.com/

My new love

Check him out..

http://gardenstate.typepad.com/zach_braffs_garden_state_/2005/02/tsunami_relief.html

Sunday before Valentine's Day

I'm getting ready to watch "Garden State" for the second time....LOVE the movie...Dan and I watched it together yesterday...he's a lot of fun to watch movies with..he always "sees" the movie before I can get the whole point of it ...and he is eloquent and understanding when he reviews the characters...always giving the benefit of the doubt. We don't always agree on the movie and their stories and he may be less charitable in some of his reviews than me, but he is fun to go to movies together.

Yesterday was a day filled with lots of funning around with kids basketball and soccer games.. fun to watch...last night was Basketball Homecoming...and it is there that I think I most experience "community" in the sense of the word...my kids are involved, we see community friends, we have a purpose, we are all joined together in one aspect...I really enjoy this about our life here in Oklahoma.

My review "Garden State"

I watched Garden State on a rainy Saturday afternoon which made the poignant scenes all that much more deep and real.

Garden State is the 20's generation coming of age movie. I'm not twenty, but I felt 20 while I was watching it bacause it captures what most "coming of age" movies do..that bittersweet abyss (?) between what was and what is. In short, it captures what any transition in life can be for us...scary, boring, exciting, exhilerating, confusing.

There are important scenes which the movie uses along with its well rounded sound track and great artsy shots that build the story of a young man (Zach Braff) who is finding his way after his mother's death. So well done are these moments that I felt myself feeling, "I have BEEN there!"

I didn't see this movie in the theater which made the discovery of it that much better...like a treasure on a damp Saturday that one doesn't expect, it's suprising and fulfiling.

Funniest thing I heard all day

I spend a lot of time on the road -- too much -- I've recently resolved to travel only during weekdays and not at all on weekends, which means, sigh, I'll be giving up some fun trips...
Though I try to use the time well -- listening to books, music, motivational tapes, every now and then I give in and just veg...today I was flipping around on the dial and heard this..

"If quiz are quizzical, then what are tests?"

Chuck and Cammi

You know its an imbalanced world when more press time is devoted to The Royal Wedding, Part II, than the terror threats from North Korea.

Do we really care more about what she'll wear down the aisle than how we might defend ourself against a nuclear threat.

For my money, I think it's swell. After all, after reaching mid-life myself, its kinda neat to see a love that evidently has outlived a fashionista and triumphed over polls. Old friends that made all the wrongs moves, only to end up together to live out their lives and find real love.

Thoughts on transition

I started thinking today about an idea...how does a church -- or any organization for that matter -- die? Not "how" does it die, but in what way. At some point every thing dies...and I think dying with dignity is important.

I've never heard any "rules" about how to do it...yet it must happen all the time...but with less success than I think it could be, if some thought were given to it. Maybe, the time comes when we have to say, "this has had a good run...it's time to call it a day.." and then, allow something -- an event, an idea, an organization to laspe into that great unknown, gracefully.

How do you do that? How do you let go of dreams and ideas so that new ventures, ideas can begin to emerge from the ashes? How do you close out what is so that what can be occurs?

I'm just asking...I have no concrete ideas on that...but the idea that it can be done -- done well - is intriguing to me.

Totally impressed

My son returned home with a new "X-BOX" in hand. He reported that he has "won" it at a church function with some of his friends.

"Wow" I thought. Pretty impressive gift.

What really impressed me, though, was the home visit that was shared with us by some of the members of this church. There were 2 teenagers (who my son knew) and a woman, just letting us know they appreciated my son being at their event. They brought some other info, along, too, didn't stay long..just said, "thanks".

It's a small gesture, but very impressive to me.

www.cbs.cbcowasso.org

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Insist on yourself; never imitate. Your own gift you can present every moment with the cumulative force of a whole life's cultivation; but of the adopted talent of another you have only an extemporaneous half possession...Do that which is assigned to you, and you cannot hope too much or dare too much." Ralph Waldo Emerson from "Self-Reliance"

Giving into the flu

The bug that I've been avoiding has increased its potency today and I'm seeking refuge here at home, in front of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and lots of hot tea. Dan is fetching me some hot/sour soup and several egg rolls -- my favorite comfort food.

Today, though, is a red letter day...I was celebrated as #1 director at an area conference...I'm very excited, but more excited for the renewed vision that I've discovered these last few months.

Some decisions you find yourself making with little or no thought...like what entree to order or what drink to have. They seem meaningless, but over time they create habits -- good or bad -- and they continue. I've identified some really bad habits -- destructive habits -- that I've had and am forced to make some changes. This will be extremely hard, but I've already taken the first step...deciding upon a new change that I will start tomorrow. Stay tuned.

"The Kite Runner"

I'm finishing the book, "The Kite Runner" and it is a wonderful experience. I've not been feeling well the last half of the week and while I've been plodding around in my office, getting out from under the month end avalanche as well as preparing for new month, I've been listening to this story. It has taken my mind off being sick.

Some truly amazing things have begun to happen in my business and I'm so thankful that I stayed in the mode during some challenging times. I like to say that the true measure of a leader is how well things go when they are not around...To that end, I assisted in developing a local workshop that now has a life of its own. It is very gratifying to see a project not only get off the ground but take on its own form and its own life after one has "let go" of the leadership strings. To me, this kind of success gives me great joy because I believe it says that others are being used in their gifts and their own success.

I am able now to firmly look to the year end goals that I have projected. We still have a lot of work to do, but I'm feeling more rejuvenated and more excited than in a long time. I truly feel that the first decade of my professional life has brought its share of success and challenges and that all can be learned from. I tend to make the same mistake a few times before I learn the lesson, though.

The next five years are important years as I take new steps in my professional life, launch my children into their own lives and celebrate almost a quarter centennial married to Dan. I do expect there to be some challenges to these important milestones and yet I welcome the challenges and the inevitable lessons that will come.

In short, bring it on.

Parenting for Dummies

We're at full-tilt teenage cruise. That is, my kids are now fully teenagers and the fun has just begun.

I find myself sitting back and thinking a lot about my own teenage years. It humbles me a bit before I get too much in their faces. It brings me back short to remember "when".

Still, my job as a parent is to provide less of a guide at this point and more of a direction. I liken it to sledding. The direction is not always the question, but avoiding obstacles is. It's as if I sit behind my kids, with my arms around them, ticking off debris and pulling back or forth for the right momentum. Yes, that is it exactly.

We are fully discovering the art of maniupulation by young people intent on having their way. The performances are lively, interesting and always challenging. Like when they were little, I always get requests when I'm involved in other conversations -- on the phone, especially -- so now the rule is, "If you want a quick 'no', ask me when I'm on the phone (or otherwise engaged)."

There is no job that puts you more in front of yourself, with all your demons, ambitions, desires and dreams than the job of being a parent. You confront yourself and your fears each time they walk in the door, or worse, when they leave. I use to think that all the rules at church, work, school were created by adults that clearly had their own childhood/adolescence in mind. Now, I'm sure of it. Being a parent means that you realize not only the magnitude but also the potential for major life mistakes...and probably, you've already experienced them.

I believe good parenting is like renting a house...you know your role isn't permanent and that you have to keep it nice for the next folks that move in. My kids are now well on their way to their own lives and the people with whom they "do life with" will more or less, pick up the slack on what I did -- and did not -- teach them. I've thought a good deal about situations that we might encounter as they make their own life choices.

I hope to be the kind of parent that communicates love regardless of lifestyle or profession. I hope that my kids know that their life is THEIR LIFE, and not some version of my own. I hope most of all that my own demons don't haunt them or hold them hostage. In short, my job as their parent is to make myself unneeded and, hopefully, unwanted. I would not want my kids to "miss me" too much when I'm gone...I hope that they remember good times and funny times but I want them to move on with their lives with what they rec'd from me, not running from some tyrannical idea of what they might think I would want.

Every job I've ever done pale in comparision to the energy, committment, joy and pain with parenthood. I pray that God raises these kids in spite of me.

Target acquired

We did it. We hit the mark. I'm taking the day off to plan, write and enjoy the moment.

Funny thing happened today...

Once a week, I attend a Toastmasters meeting, which is a group that works to build
speaking ability. I've been a member for a couple of years now and I enjoy my group very
much. Today something really funny happened ...I'll try to explain it...

Each week, there is a "table topics" session, where the table topics "master" asks questions to members of the group at random, thereby encouraging members to "think on their feet". Content is not as important as clarity. It is always an interesting part of the meeting...and one that most people dread.

It was my turn to be "table topics master"...I thought it appropriate to ask questions regarding the historic turn of events in Iraq. I figured that everyone was watching the events in Iraq as I was...to me this is as historic an event (with as many possible consequences) as the "take down the wall" thingy with President Reagan and Gorbechev.

One of my favorite people in this really fun group was talking during my profoundly worded question...so guess what? He got to get the question. When I called his name, he spun his head around as if he were an 9 year old math student who had forgotten his homework.

He then proceeded to do the best job of bs-ing with table topics that I've ever seen. It was, truly, a masterpiece (and I do regard myself somewhat of an expert in this domain). He was flawless, he was confident, he did the best job of saying absolutely nothing with so much drama and interest, it was Oscar-worthy.

We had a great laugh about it afterwards...and I know, paybacks are coming.

Prayer concert?

Why do things dealing with prayer usually manifest themsleves in glorified devos? Who decides what the "sounds of family" sound like? Would my teenager banging on drums be the "sound of family?" If not, why not?

Why are we so dull, so lacking in creativity? Why do only two people get to "plan" events like this? Who gets to drink the Kool-Aid and who gets to be left out?
Why are we so hung up on "leaving out others" so that egos can be assauged? What ever happened to building people and allowing free expression of gifts? Why do the only people who get to be built up also get to be paid for doing it? Is that service?

Why do we allow such great opportunities to be defined by less-than-mediocre experiences?


For me, watching my Jewish friends pray with their prayer shawls, teaches me more about prayer than anything I've ever learned in a "christian" church.

The Crying Game

If you go to see "Million $ Baby" with Morgan Freeman, Clint Eastwood and Hilary Swank, take a few boxes of kleenex.

Makeup -- even waterproof - has no prayer with this one.

I love movies and stories where not everything is said...that there are some mysteries to what happens...this story leaves you to fill in blanks about relationships. The imagination is always better than the real thing, and this movie allows you to imagine and create powerful ideas about the intricacies of plot.

It is a first-rate movie for all three actors...Hilary Swank gets my vote just for playing roles that aren't always "pretty". The only distraction in the movie is from a sub-actor (Danger) who goes a little too far in his rendition of an Arkansas hillbilly.

The scene where Hilary (Maggie) gives her welfare mother a house is so realistic, so true to what I have personally experienced that it resonated inherently with me. Dead on.

All characters in the movie have their issues, their challenges. Life has beaten them all down and all are fighting for something...and as you watch it, you realize that you, too, are fighting..that we all are fighting ...for a chance, for a blessing, for anything that tells us "we had our shot".

Great movie-making and a great movie-going experience.

More on "Gilead"

I spent two hours this morning re-reading the story of Jacob and Laband their covenant at Gilead, which helped me considerably unlock the intention of the book that I now adore, "Gilead".

I read it during the sermon this morning ....I can't put it down. I can visualize the actors in the play or movie that might come from it...Robert DuVall would be perfect as Ames and someone like Anthony Hopkins would be great for Boughton. I haven't decided yet on who would be right for the part of Jack...someone smug like a Ed Wood could pull it off.

It's a great novel, of which I am sure I cannot even begin to give it its fair due. I try to read some of the scenes out loud to Dan, he smiles and shows some interest, but he doesn't get it yet.

Although church wasn't all a waste of time...there was a baby dedication and some w/f (my acronym for 'warm and fuzzy') music played and I thought about my father or lack thereof...and then I thought how God does really provide..how he has given me Dan's dad what I like to call my "second chance dad" and I realize he did really provide for me above all. I can't always see that God does that..and it wasn't in the way I thought God might have done. I've spent considerable time being upset with Him on the whole way he handled my family...I think He could have done a better job at that...but in the end, He is God and I'm not..and He does provide and I should be more thoughtful of that than I am.

"Gilead"

I discoverd a book that is mesmorizing. The author, Marilynne Robinson, has earned a PEN/Hemingway Award and teaches at the Iowa Writer's Workshop. I am captivated by the simply lyrical prose of this novel and know that I will be recommending it to many. Rich and vast, it talks about what most great novels talk about -- relationships and people and God...is there really anything else?


Gilead: A Novel

Finding God in the Questions

I am re-reading Dr. Timothy Johnson's book, "Finding God in the Questions"...this is my third pass through it.

It isn't the theology that is represented, but his declaration that he believes it is not "right" for him to be leading the kind of lavish life he lives while so many others in the world feel the effects of poverty.

This kind of thinking really challenges me. I will try to express my thoughts here.

First of all, growing up in poverty is not fun. I remember distinctly sitting in school and being called out to the "free lunch" program and was mortified. I was shamed. (This is before more political ways of doing things were much in effect.).

I also remember going to church and having the minister's daughter say to me, "I use to have a dress just like that..." and being shamed again at realizing that I was wearing her cast off.

These are real and life-changing moments for me. I grew up hating that I was poor, vowing that I would someday never have to have this kind of embarressment again.

And for the most part I have succeeded. Sure, there are all kinds of trappings. There are many distractions.

But there is no righteousness in poverty, per se. In fact, some of the most materialistic people I've ever seen were those that had very little.

And on the other side, I have dined with the very wealthy in my sweats on a table in their living room, eating cold pizza and felt a kind of warmth and companionship that I hadn't known before.

I don't think it is the money that determines the person. Indeed, I believe it is the attitude towards money that determines the course.

There is a great line in the movie "Aviator" when Howard Hughes responds to the statement, "We don't care a lick about money.." he says, "That's because you've always had it.."

And I think that is right on...people who have had always had money, who've never had to work for it really, who've never had to worry about if they would eat or if they would have something to wear, can luxuriate and romanticize the condition of poverty. They can look down their noses at those "less fortunate" than themselves and treat those in poverty with a kind of child-like wonder.

But it is my opinion that this does no one any real good. I believe that how one considers money -- whether they are tight fisted or free -- determines their heart about their faith and in God's providence.

I think Dr. Johnson is getting to the ideas...and I'm still hanging onto his "answers"...it is great stuff and really making me think...

"Sideways"

What can I say about the film, "Sideways"? You have to be middle-aged to appreciate it, would be my first thought.

Next, you have to be a middle-aged loser to appreciate it...but then, that is getting kind of personal, isn't it?

Sure, it's a "buddy" movie and it's about men and their foibles, but on a deeper level it is about all of us and what we fear -- that somehow our lives won't matter much and we'll be left alone.

There is much more than can -- and will be -- said about this film, with its metaphors about wine...but it is a film that is worth seeing and best of all, thinking about.

Further Along the Road Less Traveled

From M. Scott Peck (via. Timothy Johnson, "Finding God in the Questions")

"I was absolutely thunderstruck by the extraordinary reality of the man I found in the Gospels...I discovered a man so incredibly real that no one could have made Him up. It occurred to me then that if the Gospel writers had been into PR and embellishment, as I had assumed, they would have created the kind of Jesus three quarters of Christians still seem to be trying to create...portrayed with a sweet, unending smile on His face, patting little children on the head, just strolling the earth with this unflappable, unshakable equanimity...But the Jesus of the Gospels-- who some suggest is the best-kept secret of Christianity--did not have much "peace of mind," as we ordinarily think of peace of mind in the world's terms, and insofar as we can be His followers, perhaps we won't either...It is as if most Christians haven't read the Gospels, and most Christian clergy are not even able to preach the real truth of the Gospels, because if they did, their congregations would flee out the door."

Finding God in the Questions

1.

Finding God in the Questions: A Personal Journey

Dr. Timothy Johnson explores his faith and his spiritual journey in this book. I find it profoundly readable and it resonates with me on many levels. Here's a quote from the introduction:

"Personally, I cannot imagine ignoring or avoiding modern scholarship of any kind, whether in medicine or religion. That doesn't mean I agree with everything churned out by either scientific research or religious scholarshp. But it does mean that I believe the God of truth expects us to be open to new ideas and new research and honor the path of truth-seeking wherever it might lead..."

ten puns

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest#1 -- A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. Thestewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowedper passenger."#2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam!"#3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in thecraft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have yourkayak and heat it too.#4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The othersays "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."#5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a rootcanal? His goal: transcend dental medication.#6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing inthe lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nutsboasting in an open foyer."#7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to afamily in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to hisbirth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that shewishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They'retwins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."#8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up asmall florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers fromthe men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition wasunfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He wentback and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival floristhired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.#9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, whichproduced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from badbreath. This made him ...... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....Asuper calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.#10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to hisfriends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.No pun in ten did.

You'll know him as the "Murine" guy

...or the guy who starred with Jim Carrey in the Mask..."metephorically speaking.." He has written for E!line...for about 8 years...this is his last column.

How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?

As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I
put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is
"eonlineFINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing
this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved
writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never
end.

It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and
the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while
better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still
brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw
Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right
before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an
elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie.
But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will
be again.

Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood
stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly
people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man
or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in
front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all
look up to.

How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane
luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someone
bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not
riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained
in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese
girls do their nails.

They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any
longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked
his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met
by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam
Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.

A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a
road north of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed
him.

A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S.
soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of
unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He
pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a
family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad.

The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish
weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two
of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for
the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.

We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our
magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay
but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines
and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.

I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor
values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that
who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.

There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen
and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they
will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who
have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers
and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic
children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.

Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World
Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a
real hero.

We are not responsible for the operation of the universe, and what happens
to us is not terribly important. God is real, not a fiction; and when we
turn over our lives to Him, He takes far better care of us than we could
ever do for ourselves. In a word, we make ourselves sane when we fire
ourselves as the directors of the movie of our lives and turn the power
over to Him.

I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that
matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another
way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier
or as good a comic as Steve Martin...or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as
good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as
Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.

But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above
all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to
be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well
with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I
cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed
with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and
then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.

This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers
in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that life lived
to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in
return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has
placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.


Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.
By Ben Stein

New comic

I discovered a new comic this weekend, Jimmy Carr...

www.jimmycarr.com

He is british with an amazing wit...he is refreshing and different...and from what I can tell, quite "clean"...I bet he'll be popping up more and more.

Some girls like rock stars, I like comics...they can make me laugh and think. One time, I entered a comedy contest in KC and won and got to spend time with some of the comics that were "on the road". A very different breed, but very interesting. One guy said, that all comics are social satirist (I'm not sure I agree) but he went on to say that the idea behind good comedy is you can shove an idea down the audience's throat while they are laughing...which is easier to do then when they are angry.

There's a lot to that...maybe more preachers ought to take notice. I'd much rather be laughed into an idea than be stonewalled into it.

My birthday

Tomorrow is my 41st birthday. I am celebrating by being with friends and getting into some books that I've been wanting to read.

One book that is from a series, "Meditative Prayer" by Richard Peace and I've been listening to "The Kite Runner" on audible. I also am eager to read "Finding God in the Questions" by Dr. Timothy Johnson.

There are still many questions I haven't answered for my life yet...some have been particularly persistent of late. The greatest gifts of my life so far -- no contest...my husband, Dan and my children, Nathan and Ellen. Each day these people that God has seen to share with me for my life are dearer and dearer.

Johnny, you made me laugh

I cried today when I found out that Johnny Carson died this past weekend.

I watched Johnny Carson the way I watched Carol Burnett, which was faithfully. They both entered my childhood and taught me to laugh. Once I said to my dad, "I want to be on TV with Johnny Carson", and my dad picked me up and sat me on top of our old bunny-eared television. "There," he said, "you're on TV with Johnny Carson".

I have continued to watch the Tonight Show, though I favor David Letterman's acidic wit and timing. But I'm a huge fan of so many of Carson's projects, including Robin Williams, Ellen Degeneres, Bill Cosby.

What I admired about Johnny Carson was the way that he could save a show that was not making it. Once, I remembered, the jokes were so bad, he took a lighter from his pocket and set the script on fire. Another, when the jokes weren't killing, he reached up and pulled down the microphone and said, "testing, testing.." When you can get a laugh when no laugh is planned and do it with that kind of style, you are a genius.

I'll miss him.

Hotel Rwanda

I just viewed this movie with my husband Dan. It is a story that needs telling and the movie does an excellent job...www.hotelrwanda.com.

Here are some sobering facts regarding this tragedy:

Today, Rwanda's children face extreme challenges:
Rwanda is home to one of the world's largest proportions of child-headed households, with an estimated 101,000 children living in 42,000 households. These children are on-their-own either because their parents were killed in the genocide, have died from AIDS, or have been imprisoned for genocide-related crimes.
Two thousand women, many of whom were survivors of rape, were tested for HIV during the five years following the 1994 genocide. Of them 80 percent were found to be HIV positive, and many were not sexually active prior to the genocide.
By 2001, an estimated 264,000 children had lost one or both parents to AIDS, representing 43 percent of all orphans. This figure is expected to grow to over 350,000 by 2010.
More than 400,000 children are out of school.
Rwanda has one of the world's worst child mortality rates - 1 in 5 Rwandan children die before their fifth birthday.

There are so many questions that can be asked about such an event of this magnitude. Where was God? Where was the US?

I'm not sure that is the right question to ask, but it is one that does come to mind. I'm sure my feeble mind cannot encompass what happened and how it fits into any kind of logical explanation.

But this I do know...no one awakens one day and starts hacking their neighbors. What precedes such an event of this nature is something that we all experience each day. Hate, rage when misdirected can only produce such atrocities. And so, before I go pointing fingers, I have to realize that anytime I hate I am capable of such things myself.

That's a thought that brings me up cold.

NYT must read

Check out www.nytimes.com/magazine for a great article on Jay Bakker and the postmodern congregation.

Go to Article

Home from Big D

Just returned home from Dallas....had a blast! I stayed with some friends and had lunch today at a new location in West Village...really fun and trendy place near downtown. Got quite a bit of work done...just really enjoyed my time.

On the way down, I listened to the inaugural speech from President Bush...here are some key phrases that I really liked:

"Difficulty of a task is no excuse to avoide it."
"...a cause larger than your wants, larger than yourself."
"Even the unwanted have worth."
"We cannot carry the message of liberty and bigotry at the same time"
"Divisions do not define us."

I don't know who writes his speeches, but it was wide in its scope..some will no doubt say too much so. But I enjoyed the imagery of it and the phrases that he used. I was proud of him.

Bye Bye Kitty

One of our family pets, Phonix, is being put to sleep...that is, if she makes it through tonight. Her kidneys started to fail earlier this week. She's been a part of our lives for over 10 years. She is really Ellen's pet. She exhibits a lot of behaviour that dogs often do with their owners. For example, when Ellen calls her, she comes to her. When Ellen is suppose to be home from school, she would wait on a certain step until she came home. When Ellen is gone, she would cry endlessly for her.

I think I've cried myself out over it, but every time I think of her, I start crying again. She was a gift to Ellen from me for her birthday ten years ago. Ellen is more pragmatic, but I think she is grieving in her own way. It's funny how a family pet can be so meaningful to you. I'll miss her.

Discovering God through ancient paintings

I am enjoying two new books that I rec'd for Christmas.


Painting the Word: Christian Pictures and Their Meanings -- by John Drury; Paperback

A Journey into Christian Art by Helen De Borchgrave, Helen De Borchgrave (Hardcover - September 1, 2000)

I am rediscovering my love for art history (a passion in college, have several hours in it along with my design degree). It is amazing to realize that ancient painters would communicate biblical truths through their images to an illiterate society. I think there is application to todays world but just enjoying the messages of these great thinkers is enjoyable enough in itself.

Home again...what a day!

Arrived home after a luxurious last day in New Orleans..took the time to tour the Ogden Museum of Southern Art (www.ogdenmuseum.org) and became acquainted with an artist named Walter Inglis Anderson. There is to be a special about him and his life later this year on PBS. I enjoyed his work. The real snare for me was the exhibit on photography and a great film narrated by Morgan Freeman on southern art. Learned a lot about my heritage of the south and a lot more, too. Then, lunch at Emeril's which is described in posts below. I was a bit intimidated to dine at a 5 star restaurant, but there is a reason that restaurants are 5-star: extraordinary service that makes you feel right at home. I was seated at the "back" of the restaurant which I enjoyed immensely - I got to watch the chefs as they created meals while getting to know them. It was like a mini seminar on restaurant management. And I left with a very full tummy.

The grill chef...Chris. I learned that the grill is the most difficult job in the kitchen, taking up to 5 years to master.  

At Emeril's you have not only one wait person but THREE...Devon (on left) stood by my side the entire time and when my tea or coffee was an inch or less under the the top, it was immediately refilled. Carlos, (middle) was great at suggesting my meal (Smoked Wild and Exotic MushroomsGrilled Pork Chop with turnip greens, and dessert -- pecan chocolate tart with homemade vanilla ice cream). To say it was good is like saying Michael Jordan plays basketball.  

Chef de Cuisine at Emeril's www.emerils.com. I asked him what he enjoyed most and least about being a chef. What I learned? Leadership -- whether in the kitchen -- or in the boardroom is essentially the same.  

It's all about the friendships. These are some of the people that I do "work life" with..they are there to kick me when I need spurring onward, to nurture me when I need encouragement and to have fun when we need to party! 

One of my favorite parts of our events -- the "Friends of Time" dance troupe. I wish I could move like they do!  

Great food at "Le Madelaines". 

More great food...

New Orleans is a gastronomical delight. Today I ate at a place called "Le Madelaine" which has french pastries. I ate my first potato galette, which is a twist on what midwesterners calls potato cakes. It has jalapenos, onions...it is amazing.

Lots of meetings today...I spoke to our area on building communication through technology...one of my favorite topics. When I think back to how some things were done in our industry even five years ago, compared to where we are today...it is breathtaking how fast technology is changing our business. This event the clear signs of a new era are seen...but I wonder how many people see what opportunities lie ahead.

Tonight will probably become an all-time favorite...several of us went to a cheesecake bistro where we gorged on huge desserts. I had the chocolate peanut butter cheesecake...wonderful!

Tomorrow, I'm cutting out early to be home for my family. I have spent a fair amount of time thinking and absorbing some new ideas. I'm glad I came...and will be glad to be home.

Rockin' band and great dancing at the party. This event is my favorite of all the events that we attend. Always full scale, over 12,000, food, bands, amazing decorations. This featured a comedy show, a karaoke band, 2 other live bands and 6 "ports of call" and a huge "ship" in the middle where foods of all kinds were served. 

At "Mother's" restaurant, a New Orleans landmark, featuring regional specials such as the "ferdi" (po-boy) that is out of this world delicious. Great food, even better people. 

My best buddie...Maggie...en habla enspanol pari mi. 

Artsy-fartsy hotel. 

In New Orleans

Just arrived in New Orleans and am headed out for some sightseeing and shopping. I'm taking my new camera along so I'll post some blogs and some pics later today.

I've discovered this great hotel...very quiet and very chic...I'll post more on it later with a full review.

Loreena McKennitt

I forgot about an old album that I had tucked away and am listening to it now...great stuff, from Loreena McKennet, sort of a new age/celtic sound. Really different and having stumbled upon it I feel as if I've found an old friend that has been lost.

Speaking of which, I found out about a friend of mine that was killed today. His death was quite tragic...seems he was stabbed or something...anyway, my grandmother was quick to fill me in on all the gory details. She could write mystery novels with every detail in full flourish. Before I was finished talking with her, I felt like I could puke...awful way to die, stabbing, I'd think.

But what is a good way to die? Hmmm..haven't thought about this before...I'd have to say dying in one's sleep might be a good way to go. I think dying in an airplane would be really horrible. But positively worst of all would be dying alone.

I remember him vaguely...although what I remember, he was great fun. Really smart (got tons of scholarships) and I guess he was a doctor of some sort. Grandmother couldn't remember...in her mind everybody is a doctor or a teacher.

Having a friend die cannot help one but think about their own mortality.

Still have to pack..

I'm not near ready for my trip tomorrow...actually, I get on the plane at o'dark thirty...I'll be in a coma, so I'm trying to prepare. Use to be I would worry about what shoes to wear, now I worry about how to get my laptop with me. I did get a new bag for it that will help me transport it. I can't be without my laptop for too long...I do most of my writing/teaching prep on it...and being in airports is a great place for thinking and for writing.

I'm listening to one of my favorite artists, Sarah McLacklan, and she always puts me in a mellow mood. I've picked up my favorite candle for my room and made sure to pack my favorite pens...what I wear is incidental. Turning 40 has its advantages...

I still have one class/speech to gather..I've been working on it throughout the day while I was in meetings, etc. It's about technology and how it can build relationships with clients in the new century...one of my favorite topics, truly, because it offers so much creative thought. I have pages of notes, I need to simmer down to a few main points...listening to music helps me do that...

I also got a new "do" for my trip...actually it signifies a new growth for me...a new part of the journey. I've made some big blueprints for the next few years and as I've thought about them, I've shed some things and have taken on some new disciplines, trying to make them good habits.

Spanglish

I saw this movie this afternoon and have to say, it has a lot to offer.

Normally, Adam Sandler doesn't do much for me. In this flick he was adorable. He plays an almost perfect parent -- not one that has all the answers, but perfect in a High E.Q (Emotional Quotient" way.

Tea Leoni is one of my favorites. I loved her in "Family Man"...she isn't as good in this flick, comes off a little high strung (which is what her character is, by the way).

The love story between Sandler's and Vega doesn't really get off the ground. Vega looks like an inspiring Penelope Cruz, much too young to be a mother for this film. And a bit too immature as an actress to compete with Sandler, Leoni.

Some of the best one-liners come from Cloris Leachman who plays the mother of Leoni's character. I liked this one, "Your recent lack of self-esteem is just a good conscience."


The message of the story, however, is affaecting and rewarding.

What I did with my weekend....

Indoor soccer is fast and fun

Third Place in Tourney . Ellen is back row, last on right.